Tag Archives: Fear

A New Spring

Image

Winter is definitely a time of hibernation for me. I eat enough to sustain a bear and I don’t want to do anything but curl up under a pile of warm, cozy blankets and sleep and hide away from the cold. It’s an introspective, internal time when being social sometimes feels forced and the world sometimes feels gray and bleak.

In the past I have tried to rouse myself, like the bear, come springtime. To rise up and rejoin the world but regardless of the season I would find myself retreating again. Not just inwards but away from – everything. Far more turtle-like than bear-like really. I would enjoy basking in the sun but was quick to hideaway under my shell at the first sign of danger.

This spring everything feels different. I am acutely aware of the change in the seasons, the longer days, the warmth of the sun, the blooming buds and greening grass. But it’s much, much more than that – I feel an emergent energy – the buzzing of potential. I’m almost giddy with it! I feel connected with the world and straight up drunk on love for it.

Much like the little sprouts determinedly poking through the dirt I feel vulnerable and tender but instead of being wrapped up in fear about all the things that might smash me and stunt my growth, I feel excited for the possibility of what might become of me.

I’ve been fighting for this feeling for awhile now – clawing at it– and inadvertently destroying it at the moment that I was close to achieving it. So I stopped fighting. It looked a little bit like giving up. It felt a bit like it as well. But it wasn’t. It took a long time, a lot of clenching and flinching and reflexive tightening but I finally relaxed into it. And as soon as I did, the very instant that I let go, the feeling of freedom that I had been struggling so hard find, flooded through me.

I feel alive with –confidence. That ever allusive sense of self-confidence which I’ve mistakenly been trying to find from others was a gift that only I could give myself.  There’s a quote that has resonated with me for awhile now, beckoning me to understand it and I’m finally there. I’ve let go of the fear and the doubt and returned to love.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

~ Marianne Williamson

 


Let Go and Let Love

Girl with the Red Balloon by Bansky

Girl with the Red Balloon by Bansky

Note:

This post was written back in February but it felt disjointed so I didn’t publish it. Re-reading it now, it still feels disjointed, but I like the idea of letting go of fear and choosing love.

Actually though, I think I just really like this amazing picture which is taken from a piece of graffiti art in London. To the right of this piece it says simply, “There is always hope.”

 

 

In my last post I wrote about embarking on a journey to raise my words and not my voice. As it turns out, losing my temper and yelling at my kids hasn’t been an issue for me lately.  Maybe because I clearly set the intention, but really, I think it’s because on December 14th, 2012 they came home from school. Such a simple thing.

On that day the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary happened. It left many of us with a feeling that something has to change but our opinions about what needed to change were as varied as we are as a nation. I don’t have the answers, but for me, it starts with choosing love, compassion, and connection.

I remember that dropping my kids off at school that next day was crazy hard. I wanted to keep them home with me forever, to never let them out of my sight or out of my grasp. I wanted to protect them. But I knew that I couldn’t, that I can’t. I can try to do my best to keep them safe but ultimately I am not the one in control. And that scares the crap out of me. But I refuse to let that fear dictate my life, or theirs. I am letting go of it.

One of my biggest personal challenges has been belief in my own self-worth. I tend to doubt myself and my contribution to the world. But there is one thing that I know that I am capable of beyond any self-doubt and that is love.

Love is easy when times are good and things are going well but we need to also love each other through the awkward and the hurt as well. It’s time to connect with each other. Not just through liking someone’s status on Facebook and not just with our family and friends.  It’s time to reach out to the sullen and the broken, to look one another in the eye and smile, to ask “how are you?” and stop and listen for the answer.

What if by doing so we can change someone’s day? Their life? What if by doing so we can save someone’s life?

I’m not good at talking to people that I don’t know, I’m not good at knowing what to say. I tend to retreat when things get hard. But I’m no longer using that as an excuse to hide. Because I know that I can make a difference. We all can.

So I’m making a commitment to let go of fear, of anger, and of the illusion of control and to let love be the force that drives me.